This post may contain affiliate links, which means I’ll receive a commission if you purchase through my links, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure for more information.
For years, I had a particularly hard time around the Fourth of July. My little Ruby Cavalier, Koda, passed in the days leading up to that celebration. And in my neighborhood, it’s a given that people start celebrating early.
That meant at night, we’d hear booms and bangs as we lay quietly in bed. Koda would get agitated. His solution was to whimper and attempt to lay on my head. It felt like he couldn’t get close enough.
The night he died, the noise of fireworks had peaked. So had the grumpiness of my baby and toddler, who refused to go to sleep. Managing the outbursts of small children coupled with my own exhaustion plus a whimpering, needy dog was too much. I took Koda downstairs and locked him up in the laundry room—something I’d never done. I didn’t do it with loads of love, either.
When the kids were finally asleep, I went down to get him. He’d thrown up all his dinner, which was common in his nervousness. But he was panting excessively, and his gums were white.
Only a few hours later, he died at the emergency vet hospital.
The Spiral of Sudden Death
This bled into unquestionably one of the worst days of my life. Koda’s previous vet visit had uncovered a minor heart murmur, which is common in Cavaliers but wasn’t bad enough to medicate.
And he was only six years old. I hadn’t dreamed he’d be at risk of sudden death (congestive heart failure, to be specific.) We spared no expense at the ER to try everything the vets could think of, and it wasn’t enough.
The sudden loss felt like having a piece of my body cut right out, knowing full well it would never be replaced. It was personal because I felt responsible. Even though care was shared between me and my husband and directed by our vet, I’m the one who didn’t notice the warning signs. I’m the one who locked him in the laundry room, no doubt intensifying his panic and escalating his condition.
Should You Celebrate Anniversary Grief?
On days of clarity, I embraced the thought that he was in a better place. That he was out of pain. That he was maybe with his mother, who got hit by a car when he was only a few weeks old.
Because of the grief and pain of that time, I’ve never celebrated or noted the anniversary of Koda’s death. It took a good ten years before I could get through the Fourth of July without feeling grief deep in my bones.
Instead, I celebrated his birthday for many years after. He was a fall puppy, and the turning of the leaves each year brought back memories of our ruby-red ball of pudge, tumbling around the kitchen. (He was such a fat puppy, he often tripped over his own belly.)
Ten Ideas to Mark the Day
Maybe the word “celebrate” is not the right choice here. For me, that word feels like a party. To honor or cherish or embrace the memory feels better. (But if celebrate feels right for you, go for it!)
Here are some ways to navigate the day of your pet’s passing:
- Say it with peonies. It’s common in human deaths to send flowers to the person grieving or to place flowers on a grave. But it’s not just for the departed. Studies have shown that just being around flowers can improve your mood, lower your stress levels, and even boost feelings of well-being.
Jeannette Haviland-Jones, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Rutgers, directed a study that showed how flowers can help people manage their day-to-day moods. So in honor of your pet’s passing, maybe buy yourself a beautiful bouquet.
- Do that silly thing. Think back on activities your pet loved to do. Maybe you go on a walk, or curl up in the sun and take a nap. My sweet Koda loved to play with a frisbee — but not for catch. He invented his own clever game of turning the frisbee upside down and using it to roll a ball around in, tilting his head this way and that. It was hysterical.
Another dog of mine, Owie, loves to chase bubbles (though I wouldn’t eat them, as he does). Sandy, my childhood dog, loved to sing along with piano music.
I’d bet that the sillier the activity, the more joy it’ll bring you in remembering or even doing the thing.
- Remember with aromas. Think about something your pet was crazy over… like the smell of tuna. Bake the most wonderful tuna casserole each year on that fated day and honor your pet with a new annual tradition.
- Make it a party. Host a little gathering and reminisce about your pet. Choose people who knew and loved your pet, or helped take care of it. Pull out some pictures, make a nice pitcher of lemonade, and revel in the memories.
- Write a letter to your pet. Tell them all that’s happened since their passing. Share your grief and write about how much you still miss them, and that they are not forgotten.
- Tap into the Beyond. Book a session with an animal communicator. This could be a lovely way to connect with your pet and get reassurance that they are okay.
- Tap your mind. Pre-empt the tears that may fall on your pet’s death anniversary and book a therapy session. Use this hour to take care of your own emotional health.
- Recall that “the body remembers.” Just as I felt impending sadness for years every time fireworks season began, regardless of how happy the rest of my life was, you might have body sensations that hit around the anniversary of your pet’s death.
Treat yourself well when these glimpses into your psyche hit. Take a bath or walk where the sunshine hits your face. Watch a good movie or read a good book. Anything that helps you feel better, even if it’s just a little bit.
- Carve that memory into stone. Find a place to record your pet’s name as a memorial. Animal rescue societies often sell memorials, whether it’s a brick in the courtyard or a framed picture on the wall. Or, give a rescue organization some money in your pet’s name.
- Since you know better, do better. Use the day to intentionally connect with your existing pets. This is especially powerful if you have a lot of regret around the way your pet passed, or you wish you’d done things differently.
The End Goal is Connection
If a celebration of your pet on the anniversary of their passing feels right to you, do it. There’s no wrong decision here. The primary goal is to process your grief, and if remembering in that way feels right — whether it means you’re sobbing again or smiling at happy memories — then it’s going to help you.
It may also be valuable to celebrate the day of death if you don’t know the day of your pet’s birth. Either way, knowing and remembering a specific anniversary can bring clarity to healing.
